How to Keep a Boyfriend

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   Ask for what you need. This applies to everything from emotional to physical needs. Don’t assume your boyfriend knows what you want or what you need—it’s an unrealistic and unproductive expectation that will lead to unfounded disappointments and resentment.

   • Expecting your partner to know instinctively what you want is one of the most common and preventable sources of tension in a relationship. If you want your boyfriend to be involved, you first have to communicate your feelings and needs to him honestly.^[1]
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   Don’t assume you know what he’s thinking. Instead, just ask. Just as you wouldn’t want to have to read his mind, don’t wait for him to read yours (because he probably can’t).

   • When asking your boyfriend about his thoughts or feelings, try to be as respectful and patient as possible. Don’t be confrontational or accusatory, as it will only make your partner more likely to clam up.
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   Be genuinely interested in him and allow him to be equally as interested in you. Get in the habit of having intimate conversations where you open up to each other and have room to be a little bit vulnerable.

   • Open up about your goals and dreams.
   • Talk about your past, both good and bad.
   • Share things that have meaning for you—maybe a song, a book, a souvenir, etc.
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   Use a specific, concrete communication style, both in your everyday exchanges and in more serious conversations.

   • For example, rather than asking, “how was your day?” ask a more specific question that’s likely to elicit a more engaged response, like “what was the best part of your day?” or “what made you smile?”
   • This is particularly important when discussing your needs. Don’t be vague, be specific. Rather than say, “I wish you listened to me more,” say, “I’d really like for you to ask me about my day.” The more specific you are, the more likely you are to get positive results.
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   Check in with each other about your relationship regularly. Make it a regular practice to sit down with each other and talk about things that are and aren’t working.

   • Establish ahead of time that this will be an open but also a respectful and caring conversation. If something isn’t working for one of you, agree not to accuse or blame the other person but to instead explain your feelings and offer gentle suggestions for change or compromise.